So from the first moment you tell someone that you're pregnant, people begin giving you advice and telling you stories. Most of this advice is well intentioned and is provided to you in rosey colored terms with big dewey-eyed expressions. What people fail to tell you, however, is much uglier, just as true, and far more necessary information. For example, when some doe-eyed lady says, "Just wait till you feel the baby moving, it's such a magical experience- like butterflies fluttering around your belly." This is accurate, but what she has failed to mention is that some time in the near future this same baby will cram one or both feet so far up in your ribcage you won't be able to breathe or that while you're trying to have lunch with friends the same baby will deliver a well-placed kick to your bladder- forcing you to wet yourself in a quite noticeable way. And chances are, the booth where you're sitting will be out of napkins.
Half-truth #2 "Birth is a beautiful thing"
Yes, the tiny human you've been growing for 9 months is wonderful and you will be filled with the most intense feeling of love while peering into their face and counting their precious little toes. But there's a reason the nurses previously laid out something that looks suspiciously like a giant drop cloth.....because birth isn't beautiful. It's bloody and wet and nasty and you will NOT feel like petunias when it's over. Your vagina is no longer the magnificent pathway for the miracle of life, but is instead a mangled, swollen, angry thing- and it will remeber this moment forever.
Half-truth #3 "Breast-feeding is SO much better for the baby"
I totally agree. It's free (BONUS-kids are expensive), it's really is good for the baby (passing on immunities and whatnot), and it is a wonderful bonding experience that no one else can have with your child. Then there's the REST of the truth. Babies do not instinctually know what they're doing in the boob department, and neither do you. A nurse will come and try to explain it to you and then might even be kind enough to man-handle your breast into the appropriate nursing shape. Then, that sweet, wonderful baby will become something akin to a vampire and latch on with a super-human grip and suction that would make the folks at Dyson jealous. The pinching and burning sensation will eventually subside and your nipples will become something my husband jokingly described as "meat bullets." Luckily, they will return to a mostly recognizable shape after feeding, but since this is something you'll be doing pretty much continuously for the next 2 months, just expect to feel like a dairy cow - what's sitting on your chest will now function and appear more like udders than boobs- leaving you feeling more like Mooooo than Mom.
